IF MOTORBIKES TOOK DRUGS

           

            If motorbikes took drugs, Harley-Davidson would beef up on steroids

            If cars drank liqueurs, Celica would slake on Bailey’s Irish Cream

If fridges turned musos,

they’d perform the Humming Chorus from Madam Butterfly

            If beds wrote their memoirs, Capt’n Snooze would be a wet blanket

            If closets came out to visit a psychoanalyst,

    they’d twitch about desertion by young gays

           
            If clouds wore raincoats, every cloud should have a silver lining.

If mountains moved, Buffalo would stampede from the Chalet

If lakes meditated, Pedder would change its name to Woebegone

If rain forests could read;

                                    Daintree would turn a blind eye to pulp fiction

If rainbows fell out of love, they’d build a bridge of sighs

If fur seals formed clubs, they’d bash the living daylights out of fishermen

If pigs flew, who’d snuffle for truffles?

If chickens could swim, they’d wallow in the blood of factory farmers

If monkeys became medicos, chimpanzees would research research scientists

If rats smoked, they’d die

If treasurers were touched by EST,

                        they’d make their balance sheets more healthy

If police knocked bribery and corruption on the head,

                        they’d be charged with a capital offence

If estate agents were for real,

they’d admit to being a shingle short

If white-collar crims were castrated,

they’d be laundered squeaky clean

If rock stars played silent radio,

they’d stop shaking the air waves

If poets claimed they’d found their pot of gold,

they’d be accused of cliché abuse, hyperbole and sentimentality

                                                Michael Small

            January, 1991

            pub. Centoria, no.6, April, 1999, Australia

                    * EST = Erhard Seminars Training:  courses in personal transformation, popular in the 1990's